Stuff Your Sorries in a Sack

I am participating in the Art House Gallery’s “Stuff Your Sorries in a Sack” exhibition. (If you’re in Atlanta, you should go on Friday, October 24!) This project has given me a wonderful opportunity. The instructions were simple, “Put your apologies, missed opportunities, attachments, regrets or anything else you need to get off your chest into the sack. Get rid of your baggage – this project is all about letting go.”

I started with a list of things I need to let go of: expectations, fear, blame, worry, perfection, anger, my mother, my father, Sanders, people pleasing, hurt, smoking, control. Later, I moved on to a list, I’m sorry:

…I wasn’t a perfect child.
…I cheated on that test.
…I forged your signature on a bad grade.
…I was addicted to drugs.
…I was an alcoholic.
…I didn’t get help sooner.
…I didn’t write you letters like I said I would.
…I wouldn’t return your phone calls.
…I broke your heart.
…We never made out.
…I never said I loved you.
…We didn’t meet sooner.
…I hated you.
…I ever met you.
…I couldn’t love you more.
…I’m not sorry.
…I didn’t listen to your stories.
…I called you names.
…We didn’t run away together.
…I sold that acre of land.
…I tried to kill myself.
…I didn’t succeed.
…I didn’t study harder.
…I didn’t become a pilot.
…You’re so miserable.
…You can’t see it.
…I lied to you.
…I wanted to kill you.
…I didn’t.
…I still want to see you.
…I still think about you.
…You killed yourself.
…You couldn’t talk to me about it.
…You weren’t happy.
…She made you so sad.
…Your son doesn’t know you better.
…Your son won’t get to know you.
…I never left home.
…I smoke.
…You don’t see me.
…You never will.
…You wasted my time.

These were all random things I thought about when thinking about my life – directed to different people and different times. But then last week, the “evil-ex,” Paul, replied to one of friend’s posts on Facebook. I never expected to see him there, but there he was – on my monitor, in my studio, in my house. And all of those hateful feelings about him and our time together rose to the surface again. Why? I have no idea. They were just there. I looked around me, at my wonderfully happy life with Adam, and realized it was time to let go.

Our divorce was finalized seven years ago after a year and a half of marriage and after five years of living together. Yet, I’ve been unable to let go. For seven years, I’ve referred to him as “the evil ex,” and let the shadow of our relationship haunt me. I learned so many lessonsm and while I want to and need to carry those lessons learned with me – they made me a better person in the end – I don’t want the fear and hurt any more. And so, I’m laying him to rest — along with my anger, frustration and hurt – in a little wooden box I’ll never see again.

CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE BOX.